Gender

Man. Woman. We grow up thinking you are either one or the other… But we were so so wrong. Gender is essentially just like sexuality; it’s a spectrum. The sex you are born with, is not arguable, you are either female, male, or intersex (unsure if there’s other sexes), this depends on what your genitalia is, not who you are on the inside.

I was raised from an early age as gender-neutral; my Mum would dress me in both dresses and overalls. I was given Barbie’s but also trucks and toy cars. I’ve watched with my Dad countless movies targeted at male audiences and though it’s arguable that you don’t have to be a man to enjoy these movies, growing up, it had a huge impact on how I identify myself. I had a best friend in Prep who was a boy, he was a rebellious kid, always playing where it was banned or getting dirty in the mud when it was raining, and I followed him, we had epic fun doing the silliest things. In primary school, I wore shorts/pants mostly. I didn’t usually wear dresses that much like the other little girls; at least that’s what I remember.

I’ve found recently, especially after shaving my head, that I’ve been questioning myself. I always knew I had masculine qualities and characteristics, but to what extent? In simplest form, I think of myself as a gay man, with a very womanly body, and a vagina. My sexuality is still yet to be determined, but I know I prefer men. But I also feel like my soul is gendered as a man most days. So that’s fine, I can be a gay man most days. But then my body restricts me from feeling true to this. My large thighs, small waist, breasts, and slender upper body make me look very feminine when I’m naked.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have curves; I want a straight up and down boy figure, with broader shoulders, small hips. Simply because then men’s clothing will fit me better – and I prefer wearing men’s clothing. Have you noticed women’s jeans don’t usually have front pockets? Inconvenient. It sometimes saddens me when I’m shopping in the men’s section of a store, and a female staff member there will try direct me to the women’s section… Just because I’m not male-passing. I sometimes wish I had facial hair, I think I have a great jaw for stubble, and wish my eyebrows were a bit thicker…

I think when I call myself a gender-fluid woman I’m telling the truth, but not the whole truth. Like yes, I’m a woman, because I have a vagina, right? But sometimes I think no, that’s not right… I’m a man, with a vagina. But then I wonder if I could really be transgender? Could I be in the wrong body? No, I love my body… But do I want a penis? I don’t know. These are literally the thoughts that circulate my mind day-in-day-out.

I always believed that the dreams you have play a significant part of who you are, your life, your future, etc… So in high school, when I had a dream that I had a penis, it was confusing – why would I dream that?! At first I thought it meant that I was lesbian and wanted to be with women, I wanted to pleasure women, but I think now that no that’s incorrect, I just wanted to be a man. It’s still strange to see me write that… “I just wanted to be a man”… Man… Man… Man…. The word rings in and out of my head and it’s hard, because I’ve been a ‘woman’ my whole life, seducing men and being alluring out of the corner of their eye… Since shaving my head I haven’t been like this, even just before shaving it, I just haven’t been my usual flirtatious self…

I’m not saying shaving my head completely changed who I am… I think it just made it clearer who I wanted to be. Something I’d been feeling inside for YEARS was simply coming to light by getting rid of the 1 thing most visible and most obvious that made me a woman. My breasts were the second thing; big, and round.. In the way. If I had smaller breasts I’d be more male-passing, and people would look less at me in confusion.

I learned recently that ‘genderqueer’ is a title that fits me easiest, for explaining to people who I am – “I’m not cisgender or heterosexual, I fit somewhere else on the spectrum and I don’t know where” is pretty much where I’m at right now, I don’t know if ever I’ll find out exactly who I am… But I just know that I’m happier admitting the fact that I’m not completely a woman, or a man… Maybe I’m an alien hahaha. The need to find an exact word to describe my gender is for the sole purpose of having to explain to other people what I am, I don’t necessarily need a word for it, because I know what I feel inside, but other people will have trouble understanding that, without a word for it, without a category to label me, or a box to fit me in to…

There’s so much terminology for sexuality and gender-identity, so many words I’m not even familiar with, but this is me still learning, still figuring this mess out.

This is all word-vomit. Does it make sense? Am I even explaining this correctly? I don’t know. I’m not finalising the idea that I’m truly a man inside, I still have womanly thoughts and feelings and desires and needs. I’m just getting a thought out there.

Hopefully this story helps someone else understand themselves, the same way I’m trying to understand myself.. ❤